Upcoming July 31st

World Championship Cards (PSP/PS2) N/A

Now, I'm not going to deride this sort of thing as pointless, as there is a market for casino games, and that market provides the money that supports the justification for Atlus' entire library. I do, however, wonder about the wisdom of putting this sort of game on anything other than a handheld system. The DS or PSP is practically made for this kind of casual pick up n' play fluff, but I have a hard time imagining that there are people who have access to God of War, Burnout and Soul Calibur at home and decide "hey, I'll play a game of virtual cribbage". And if those people do exist, why couldn't we get them to play Phantom Dust?

Crazy Taxi Fare Wars (PSP) N/A

Speaking of casual pick up n' play fluff, this fits the very definition, and handily doubles as vindication for those who think Nokia was too quick in killing the N-Gage.

You can see in the distance where the game gives up trying to render Crazy Taxi and wants to draw Moon Patrol instead. In all fairness, a portable disc containing Crazy Taxi 1 and 2 sounds tempting, but I dunno how tempting a game can be right now to justify losing your bios hack.

Harvest Moon: Boy and Girl (PSP) N/A

By this point Harvest Moon has become one of those games where fans of it know exactly what their getting into, while non-fans sorta look on from the outside and wonder why in the world people would want to role play as a farmer. This one looks to be the same as the other eighty seven hundred Harvest Moon games to be released, only this time more squished...

... and featuring lolis who want to make a suit out of your skin.

Brave Story: New Traveler (PSP) N/A

The latest in a long line of generic PSP JRPGs, perfect for the gamer who refuses to let go of the era where PS1 was king and JRPGs were relevant. This time though, you get catgirls!

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Which will no doubt appeal to a certain segment of the population. To that segment I say 1) you're sick and 2) where does a person go to get decent Felicia x Fran hentai?

Mario Strikers Charged (Wii) (77%)

Look, I need to come clean with you guys. I hate Nintendo. I can't explain it anymore than a Carolina fan can explain why he hates Duke, or a Warner Brothers guy why he has a seething hatred for Disney. Just that there are some choices people make in life, and mine was Sega over Nintendo, and I'm standing firm on that issue despite Sega being run by collective of lobotomy victims from back in the 1950's when they used to jam an icepick into your eye socket and call it a day. Just rest assured that I hate Nintendo, I hate their legions of smug fans, I hate that they're creaming Microsoft and Sony and I hate it when some jerk like Capcom or Konami goes and releases a game on a Nintendo platform and forces me to buy the stupid thing.

Fortunately for me, Mario Striker's Charged is not from either of the above. Indeed, it is a Mario Soccer game, and thus manages to combine three things I hate, sports games, Mario and Nintendo. It is nearly a perfect representation of everything I irrationally hate, all it's missing is Mike Krzyzewski as a playable character. So in lieu of an objective report, I'll instead supply a stream of snide comments:

• So is this the first Wii game that wasn't supposed to be on the Gamecube first, or what?
• I have it on good authority that Super Princess Peach was developed entirely to help fill out databases for America's sex offender registry lists.
• This is the first Wii exclusive since Super Paper Mario not to be an abomination against all that's good in the world (Escape from Bug Island) or an attempt to single-handedly destroy the game industry by filling it with old men and non-gamer girlfriends (Brain Training Wii; Mario Party 8). Super Paper Mario, you'll remember, was released shortly after Ronald Reagan's first term of office.
• It is my understanding that a large portion of Mario Striker's Charged gameplay consists of holding the Wii remote thrust directly before your groin and gyrating your hips to and fro, while at the same time shouting "This is exactly how I would like to fuck Ed Norton".
• Mario Kart Double Dash? Double bullshit.
• Nice work on the friends codes. Get back to me when Nintendo's figured out a more sophisticated matchmaking system than what was found on Duke Nukem forever.

Pool Party (Wii) (N/A)

Best case scenario: a game of virtual marco polo featuring your chesty, jiggling video game babes.

Worst case scenario: Generic billiards game featuring token Wii remote support.

Never mind.

That said, although the Wii's showcase for the week features a wholly mediocre soccer game and something that crawled out of the Wal-Mart shovelware bin, it's miles better than the PS3 and 360 offerings this week, consisting of jack and shit respectively.

Glory Days 2 (DS) (61%)

One of the more unique titles to come along as of late, this would appear to be choplifter meets Grim Grimore. I say "seems to" as that's all I could gather from the Eurogamer review and the screenshots, which, much like a Stephen Hawking powerpoint, have a habit of looking both awesome and horribly confusing.

I have no idea what's going on here, but it's awesome and there's no way the low ratings can be trusted.

Pile o' Shovelware Shit: Chameleon: To Dye For; Bratz Ponyz; Professional Fisherman's Tour: Northern Hemisphere; Spelling Challenges (DS)

No week would be complete without a collection of irredeemable shit that will still outsell everything else on the list combined. I find myself horrified by the implications of Bratz Ponyz. If it follows the aesthetic (I use this word loosely, much like a movie critic would the "aesthetic" of a Bang Brothers movie) then these will be the biggest sluts known in the equine universe, featuring thong bridles, mains woven with extensions, and a rear end that no doubt caused the toy sculptor responsible for producing the prototypes to start drinking Sterno.

Also, I question the logic of one fishing title for the entirety of the Northern Hemisphere.

Picross (DS) (82%)

What does it say about the state of gaming when the best original game released for the entire month of July is a friggin' Picross title? Man, fuck July.

NEXT WEEK! The PS2 gets Daisenryaku 7 Exceed! I have no idea what that is, but there's a TANK on the cover and thus it is GAME OF THE WEEK! The WII gets INCREDIBLY GAY with Boogie! The DS gets THIRTEEN MEGAMAN GAMES! PSP owners shall know the joy of LARA CROFT'S SLIGHTLY POLYGONAL ASS in Tomb Raider Anniversary!