Upcoming 7-24-07

The thing that's struck me the most about this series is that, for the most part, games are terrible.

I'm not talking about merely mediocre, or games that are enjoyable if you're a fan of the genre. No, the vast majority of videogames should not be purchased, rented, played or are worth spending any amount of precious time you have left on this mortal coil with. Most all videogames are, in fact, detriments to human civilization, proof to the likes of Roger Ebert that gaming can never be art, and that gaming is a vapid waste of time probably not even suited to a child's intellect.

Which is why my job is important. I'm here to tell you that, despite being the biggest week of releases in over a month, there's not a single worthwile gaming experience to be had there that's not Persona 3, and the only reason I can't bring myself to deride even that game is because I enjoy the art direction and I haven't been able to understand what's going on in a JRPG in 12 years. If you buy one single game this week other than Persona 3 and Guitar Hero 80's edition, you're not just wasting money, you are a bad person and I don't want to be your friend!

PS2

NASCAR '08 (N/A)

For gamers who find the milieu of track selection in normal racing confounding, here's one where every turn not marked "left" has been removed.

NHRA Countdown to the Championship (N/A)

And if that's too complicated, we also have racing games where corners themselves are removed.

Honda Motor Ignition Simulator 2k8 (N/A)

Start a variety of Honda motors, from the legendary CVCC ED1 to the Formula 1-spec RA807E. New for this year are bright purple grounding wires.

The Word of Recaro Professional Sitting in a Chair Tournament Starring Johnathan Wendell (N/A)

Sit in a chair and vegetate in over a dozen meticulously rendered locals. Defeat Johnathan Wendell and earn the sponsorship of Team Fata1ity!

Shen Megami Tensei: Persona 3 (84%)

The only thing I know about the Persona games is that they feature a girl who wears leather catsuits that have hearts where the nipples should be. So I'm already a fan of this series, even though I've never played a single one of them.

Guitar Hero Rocks the 80's (n/a)

The last Guitar Hero produced by Harmonix, and thus probably the last Guitar Hero anyone's going to worry with before switching over to Rock Band. As much as a cynical money grab as this is sure to be, I can't hold any ill toward anything featuring Limozeen. I just wish I could play a single one of these things-- Sadly my malformed, sausage-like fingers pretty much assure I'll be ponying up for a Rock Band drum set come Christmas.

Wii

Alien Syndrome (N/A)

I think it's neat that Sega can't remember it's been sitting on the Streets of Rage franchise for the past twenty years, but some marketing done remembered they put out a produced a mildy well-received Ikari Warriors clone back in 1987. Also, this is going to suck.

Escape from Bug Island (37%)

Supposedly, this game is supposed to come out this week. IGN says it's coming out this week, it's Wikipedia entry says it's coming out this week, and I'm sure that if it's own website were not an attempt to punish man for the crime of original sin, it too would say it's coming out this week. Gamestop, though? They've disavowed any knowledge of any game called "Escape From Bug Island" even existing, much less being available in their stores. Searching for the title reveals instead results for Escape from Monkey Island, and it's no longer showing up on Gamestop's Coming Soon page, despite being there as recently as last Tuesday. I mean, what do they have to be afraid o--

Holy shit.

360

NASCAR '08 (N/A)

Turning Left For Five Freaking Hours, $60 Edition.

Xbox Live Marketplace

Wing Commander Arena (SUCK).

EA continues it's grand tradition of squatting a big ol' fetid turd on Microsoft's Live service, this time dishing out hope-crushing fecal matter to Live Marketplace in the form of a 3rd-person-view Wing Commander that's not even really in 3d. Instead you sorta wander around in a 2-d plane between a couple of warring battleships while given the ability to performed a canned animation loop-de-loop to evade fire. Having managed to ruin space combat, EA's next project will be to wring the fun and enjoyment out of music itself with Boogie.

PS3

NASCAR '08 (N/A)

Turn left with the power of BLOOOO RAAAAAAAY. Also, apparently Lair was pushed back a week. Ride that wave, boys!

DS

Dynasty Warriors (62%)

Things that Koie could have produced that are awesome: A Legends of the Five Rings strategy game making use of the unique touchscreen feature of the DS. Thing that Koie produced instead: A hybrid Dynasty Warriors/card game that apparently isn't aware the touch screen exists. Also, if you're one of the 12 remaining Koie fans in the world, do you look at Fatal Inertia and wonder if you're looking at two straight console generations worth of F-Zero knockoffs?

PSP

Alien Syndrome (N/A)

This will be the superior version of Alien Syndrome, as it will only be playable for 2 hours before the battery dies and you begin to question the course your life took to get you to the point where you've spent money on Alien Syndrome. A Wii owner will be stuck for a good thirty hours before the Wii remote craps out.

Final Fantasy II (73%)

All the good jokes about a game that appeared on a multipak with Final Fantasy 1 on the GBA have been done already, and I'll avoid mentioning that if you still own a PSP at this point and you wanted to play FFII, you could find a version for free and have it on your system with less than five minutes of work. However, I would point out that Squeenix keeps pumping out these reissued moldy "classics" and have completely forgotten stuff that would actually make sense on the PSP-- Say, for instance, Parasite Eve. Meanwhile Squeenix is putting out stuff like DQ9 on the DS,and you realize the term "PSP" and "Squeenix" and "Going through the motions" go together like "Peanut butter" "Jelly" and "cold milk".