Upcoming 7-17-07

Upcoming 7-17-07

Another steaming pile o' mediocrity this week, as next-gen owners get to chose between two football franchises that aren't Madden (and thus doubly irrelevant) while Nintendo owners, who so totally are not in the middle of a summer drought, get to keep playing Super Paper Mario. There is something resembling a high spot for the PSP this week, if you squint at it hard enough and don't already have the PS1 original on your Memory Stick.

PS2:

NCAA Football '08 (n/a)

It's sorta like Madden, only without the pesky problem of paying the players for use of their likenesses.

Hot Shots Tennis (78%)

To put things in perspective, for console gamers who aren't of football games and don't subscribe to Live, this is the highlight of the week.

Wii:

Nada. Also, reports that the Bush administration has hired Reggie Fils-Aime to re-write the official dictionary definition for the word “drought” are wholly unconfirmed.

360:

All Pro Football 2k8 (n/a)

Now before you roll your eyes at the prospects of yet another goddamned Madden clone, I'd like to play devil's advocate and point out that this one actually has something resembling a unique hook-- instead of Madden's current NFL rosters (and licensed stadiums and licensed teams and licensed likenesses of current players and all a chance in hell of making a profit), APF 2k8 is based on the prospects of playing with the likes of Jerry Rice, Dick Butkus, Johnny Unitas and a slew of other dead/crippled/retired guys playing on fictional teams. If you can ignore the stuff about “football the way it was meant to be played” (you know, before the advent of modern body armor, rules against taunting or regular drug checks), it's a compelling concept. Of course, I say that as a football fan and not a fan of football games, and while I'd never play this myself, it's something I hope works out for 2k Sports, if for no other reason than to screw over the NFL proper for selling the exclusive rights to NFL games to EA. However, it begs the question... if you're basing your franchise on retired legends, what have you left on the table for '09, aside from the off chance Ladainian Tomlinson dies in a motorcycle wreck?

NCAA Football '08 (n/a)

This would be the Extra Evil Version, which features popup Old Spice advertisements in addition to it's $60 price tag. I only sound like I'm kidding.

Xbox Live Marketplace

Bomberman Live! (n/a)

Normally I don't do Live Marketplace or Nintendo's Virtual Console games as they're usually not announced more than a few hours ahead of their respective releases, but this is a rare instance of a Live Marketplace game being important enough to warrant Microsoft hyping it the week it comes out. As far as it being worth 800 Microsoft fun bucks-- It's Bomberman, over Live, and you can make your Bomberguy to be a bear or a pirate or put him in a little bee dress. If you're a Live subscriber and you're thinking of skipping this, you aren't just a bad gamer; you have no soul.

PS3:

All Pro Football 2k8 (n/a)

Wait, I know! In APF 2k9, they can have Pac-Man Jones featured in his own Grand Theft Auto 3-style game. Deliver mysterious packages to Brandon Merriweather from Balco! Hide Brian Urlacher from the cops as he ducks a domestic abuse warrant! Find a clean urine sample to sell to Ricky Williams!

NCAA Football '08 (n/a)

Look, I'm going to be honest here. I've not played a football game since the Madden the year after Caorlina went to the playoffs for the first time. I honestly don't see how the casual, mainstream Madden fans know what the hell they're doing with these games-- Not only do you have bare moments to pull off a simple passing play before some 350 pound humanoid truck snaps your femur like so much dry spaghetti, the menu system for selecting plays is as least as deep and obtuse as any strategy RPG I've ever played. If we can get your average mainstream neanderthal to understand Madden, why do Nippon Ichi games sell so poorly? I mean, Madden has sweaty guys performing violent acts of inhumanity upon each other-- Disgaea has lolis and horse wieners! How did things go so terribly wrong?

DS:

Zilch. In the meantime, place those pre-orders for Spelling Challenges!

PSP:

Tales of the World: Radiant Mythology (68%)

The only thing harder for me to do than feign interest in generic Madden clones is feigning interest in Generic PSP JRPG #347b. Something something magical tree something something-- Look, if you like JRPGs and have a PSP, just cut a picture out of this game along with the seventeen hundred X-Seed JPRGs coming out and throw a dart. In the meanwhile I'm going to look at some Ninja Gaiden DS screens and try to figure out what the hell is going on.

Parappa the Rapper (78%)

Now this is actually interesting. One of the few truly original and creative games to appear... well, just about anywhere, an argument could be made for the PS1 original of this game to have been the birth of the rhythm game genre, or at least a breakthrough moment in the nascent genre. The PS1 game was great , this is a more-or-less faithful conversion, and if you can ignore for a minute that if you have a PSP you probably already have full access to the original, it's a worthwhile purchase, even if the review scores (which are weighted against how well it's aged compared to the likes of Elite Beat Agents and Guitar Hero) are less than impressive. If I believed in the whole “buying a game to send a message” thing, I'd be saying that here, but I don't so-- yeah.

Next week:

Persona 3! Guitar Hero: Milking the 80's! The PS3 gets an exclusive!