bigredcoat

Wallet Abuse Wednesday 9-24-08

Sim City Creator (Wii)

For all intents, Sim City Wii, but better than that because it has the flying around town segments of Sim Copter built in. This is the casual gaming that's encouraging to see on the Wii, and the sort've thing we should try to trick our otherwise unsuspecting co-workers and family members into buying.

For the rest of us though-- well, if you can get past this:

then SCC allows you to draw in roads and train tracks using the Wii Remote-- Allowing for such visionary public works projects as traffic circles shaped like Tia Tequila's boobs, or the Metro Express Fuck Wii Music Line.

Brothers in Arms: Hell's Highway (360, PS3)

Is anyone else depressed to learn that the brilliant talent behind Opposing Force have been stuck making third-string WWII clones for the past five years? Supposedly Gearbox is being tapped for Halo 4, but I have a hard time differentiating how it's a step up to move from Generic WWII Shooter Product #874 to Generic SciFi Shooter Product #901b.

Anyway, apparently this one is about Operation Market Garden. I dunno. I can't be bothered to care about a WWII game unless it features vampires and werewolves.

Cabela's Dangerous Hunts '09 (360, PS3)

My hardcore sensibilities recoil seeing "Cabela" in the title, and I was further nonplussed by the concept of a "dangerous hunt". Sure, you may be hunting a wild boar but you're still human, you've still got a high-caliber rifle, you've still got roughly four hundred thousand years of evolution and technology on your side. But then I saw this:

And read this: (courtesy IGN)

Players will face raw danger as they encounter the fiercest animals on earth, including lions, grizzly bears, jaguars and more. Accurately modeled Cabela’s equipment in the game means the firearms, tactics and gear are all realistic and precise – but this won’t always help in the face of an unpredictable, open environment packed with avalanches, elephant stampedes, and piranha infested waters. If you do miss a shot and fail to stop a charging man-eating animal, you will be forced to fight it via a melee defense – but pay attention; it's likely another nearby animal will join the attack.

When the did Cabela games become hardcore? Look at this!

You are Dale Earnhardt Jr engaging in melee battle with a lion! Okay, a stoned lion, but still! We've got the best FPS companies in the world devolving into a soup of indistinct pap, and the Cabela guys went and made Teddy Roosevelt: The Videogame. It's only $40, if my 360 weren't currently a doorstop, I'd totally buy this.

Lego Batman (everything)

It's Lego, it's Batman. If you dig either, then this is your thing.

But Batman, he's pretty mature material for the Lego franchise to delve into. He threw The Joker into a vat of acid, he's ruptured a guy's spleen with a car battery, and the current Frank Miller comic has him performing systematic psycological terror on an orphaned 12 year old-- So knowing that, maybe we can see the Lego games opening into new territory.

Here's what I want to see-- since the Lego games are basically texture swaps at this point-- You remember a couple months back when the Dirty Harry movies were re-released in DVD in one massive scumbag-slaying block of Clint? There was obviously an attempt at creating a Dirty Harry revival going on, but I don't see why we should let the opportunity pass us by.

I want Lego Dirty Harry.

Your guns would have unlimited bullets. You'd recharge health by calmly eating disgustingly messy deli sandwiches with one hand blasting punks with the other. You'd have a revolving series of sidekicks who'd be violently dispatched every two minutes. You'd have this guy

as an end boss!

We have the technology. We can do this.

My Japanese Coach (DS)

Doing a GIS for "My Japanese Coach" doesn't result in nearly as much pornography as one would hope. "My Japanese Teacher", "My Japanese Tutor", "My Japanese Lessons", none of these really work nearly as well as you'd expect, in fact you have to resort to "My Japanese Schoolgirl" to get anything interesting, but that's just cheating.

Samba De Amigo (Wii)

Sega was doing the whole rythm game thing nearly ten years ago on the Dreamcast, but instead of guitars or dance pads or randomly shaking around a Wii remote, they were doing it with maracas and MEXICAN ACID MONKEYS

(I can't tell if this is the DC or Wii version, and neither can you)

They were even doing the clumsy sesor bar thing first:

As for the Wii version, it's mainly there to screw over people who paid a hundred bucks for the complete DC versiony. Thanks, Sega!

(Also, somehow or another, this is being done by Gearbox, of the aforementioned Brothers In Medals: Battlefield Honor. How the hell does that work?)

Warriors Orochi 2 (360, PS2)

It's sort of hard from the outside looking in as to what exactly it is about Koei's Dynasty Warriors games that make them so successful. The company basically has no need to produce nothing but the series and it's various spinoffs-- they all look pretty much the same, demos and videos relveal they all play pretty much the same, and the story can't be terribly compelling for those of us who aren't affecianados of feudal Japan. This particular revision would appear to be something of a KOF for Dynasty Warriors.

I've only ever played Ninety Nine Nights for the 360, as I figure if you're going to play one of these games, it may as well be the one with the most blatant t&a.

Kirby Super Star Ultra (DS)

Before Nintendo was in the market of making minigame compilations with only vague implications of gameplay, they did stuff like Kirby Super Star, which is...well okay, it's still a minigame compilation, but one with character and challenge and able to hold the attention of people other than drooling charity cases and baby boomers.

This is pretty much the SNES original with vastly improved graphics and a few token extra minigames thrown in, all of which probably cost Nintendo exactly five bucks more than the renovations that will be made for Animal Crossing Wii.

(Also, Masahiro Sakurai totally ripped Nintendo's Wii business strategy at a press conference with Grasshopper Studios. So Kirby's alright by me)

Nancy Drew: The Hidden Staircase (DS)

Wikipedia reveals that Nancy Drew: The Hidden Staircase is, in fact, the second Nancy Drew book written by Carolyn Keen. That's all the research I can really be bothered to do for this.

Zoo Hospital (DS)

Someone explain to me how Cabela hunting games get secretly awesome while DS owners are being subjected to...

and this:

Not to mention:

And I'm cheating a bit with this one, but:

And even:

Disgaea DS (DS, oddly enough)

Amazingly, NIS has taken what it bills as "The Most Hardcore Game Ever" and turned it into shovelware. It's the PS2 game beaten and mutilated to fit inside a DS cart. Think I'm kidding?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlJyhcA4hog&feature=related

That's actual footage from the final version of the game that's currently being sold in Japan.

In a certain cynical point of view you have to respect a high-profit cash in. All the DS games I just listed are all coming out this week and are all cash grabs to some degree. Cash grabs are important, they help fund risks like Bioshock and Mirror's Edge and Dead Space. Yes, Hamtaro Ham Ham Challenge is going to be godawful, but it'll make a lot of money and help insure that another Rune Factory can be made.

Disgaea DS though, that's another kind of cash in entirely-- the harmful, lazy we-know-the-fans-will-buy-anything cash-in that results in hurt loyalties and a damaged fanbase. It's an insult written on silicon.

Wario Land: Shake It (Wii)

I don't know how you sell a console 2d platformer for $50 in this day and age, but god bless Nintendo for trying.

And while it's neat that Nintendo keeps trying to make Wario into a platform hero, what happened to Wario being Mario's nemesis? Why isn't there a section where Wario punches the Giant Mario Head from Mario 64 into a bloody pulp? Why can't Wario chase down Toad using his sweet purple El Dorado from MK:DD? Where is his character, his personality?

Instead of these poorly-received gimmicky platformers, I want Grand Theft Mushroom Kingdom, starring Wario and his quest to brutally murder Mario and deflower Princess Peach.

My Little Pony Pinkie Pie's Party (DS)

If the Bratz Poniez sluts thought they could step on the My Little Ponies' turf and not expect a fight, they made a miscalculation of tragic proportions:

Oh it's on, bitch.

(Fun fact: No footage of this game exists. This is probably best for everyone involved.)

de Blob (Wii)

I really want to say bad things about this, but it's made by a handful of independent student game designers, wasn't even supposed to be a game when it was first developed, found a following on the PC and was eventually picked up by THQ. It's basically everything that's supposed to be right and good about gaming circa 2008, provided you can ignore it's on disc and not digital.

Counting Wario Land, hat's two games for the Wii this month that I'd actually admit to owning if I owned a Wii. I gotta find something to hate about this system, and soon...

Brothers in Arms: Double Time (Wii)

Oh thank god

Long time no see, LithTech.

Rhapsody: A Musical Adventure (DS)

When Rhapsody first appeared on the PS1, it had one interesting hook-- it's battles were done in tactical strat-JRPG style instead of the standard flat 2d menu-based battles usually seen. So naturally that feature has been removed.

I'm not sure what this game is supposed to be doing that wasn't done fifteen years ago on the SNES, and maybe that's the point, but if you want to play sixteen bit RPGs on your DS there's better options.

Lost in Blue: Shipwrecked (Wii)

Judging from the screenshots I was going to write this extended DS game off as completely useless. But then I saw there was a minigame where you play a well-endowed woman repeatedly punching her own boobs:

So there's that.

Pitfall: The Big Adventure (Wii)

Seeing Pitfall: The Big Adventure is like seeing a beloved uncle from childhood on a city bench, his face shunken and teeth lost from meth addiction, a single grimy hand clutching a cup full of pigeon shit and spare change, asleep amid a pile of plastic shopping bags.

What I'm saying is, if you buy this, you're only encouraging bad behavior.

Twin Strike: Operation Thunder (Wii)