Following an unprecedented 12 month span where no games were released or announced I, your faithful servant, return to warn you about what you should under no circumstance spend money on this coming Wednesday. Luckily for your 401k, despite a relative heavy deluge of gaming this week nary a single one is worth venturing forth from your impoverished hovel to obtain.
Playstation 2
DT Carnage PS2 Racing
Not a lot of information exists on DT Carnage, including review scores-- the few things to be found other the standard PR palbum is it's price-- $15, and it's publisher, Agetec. Which is more than sufficient evidence for anyone with any self respect to ask themselves why they're purchasing videogames at a Wal-Mart.
Ferrari Challenge Trofeo Pirelli
A racing game with four times as many names as car makes, Ferrari Stradale Challenge Truffle Profiterole reeks of the same sort of cash-in mentality that brought us Ford Racing and Corvette Challenge. Of course, Ferrari are remarkable whores, so this should come as little surprise, you'd just have rather they would have had more dignity than to farm out the Prancing Horse to a developer who's last game of any note was Impossible Mission. For the Wii.
Shining Dragon
At first glance this would appear to be another in Sega's endless attempts to wring blood from the Shining series stone without having to actually bother making something resembling a Shining game. But no, it's a piece of anime fighting fluffery based off something called "Ikki Tousen". If you should happen to be an "Ikki Tousen" fan, this probably means something to you, if not this game shouldn't mean anything to you either, unless you're willing to drop $14 on an end-of-cycle Japanese 2d fighter that'll probably sell 10,000 copies and-- Oh who am I kidding, I may as well preorder now. Maybe there's an LE with an Ikki Tousen mousepad or something.
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09
If you're the type of person who buys golf games, you're probably not the type of person that reads review scores to golf videogames, and you're certainly not the type of person that reads articles talking about review scores to golf videogames. Like you weren't going to buy this anyway.
Playstation 3
Ratchet & Clank Future: Quest for Booty
This would appear to be a downloadable standalone expansion for Whichever Rachet and Clank Was the Last One, which in itself is a rather neat idea, after all it's nice to see aftermarket content for something that isn't an FPS or racer, and a 360 owner, I'd like to see more stuff along these lines come to Live. PS3 owners however, probably aren't thrilled to receive what amounts to an utterly mediocre map pack for a series that has snuck it's way into becoming Sony's flagship franchise. But it's either this or spend more money on song packs.
Disgaea 3: Absence of Justice
So this is interesting, if not exactly good. What we have here is a sequel to Disgaea-- an critically overlooked strategy RPG that quickly became a cult hit among the weeaboo set-- transported over to the PS3 with little gained from the process other than higher resolution sprites. Which in itself isn't all that bad-- after all, if there's anything we need more of is turn-based RPGs in the vein of Shining Force-- But you have to question Atlus' sanity, seeing that the vast majority of their fans have as yet seen little reason to upgrade to a PS3, and reasons diminishing by the day. Even the horrific spectacle of Disgaea mutilated to fit on the Nintendo DS will sell more than this.
Vampire Rain: Altered Species
I don't know how you can combine Metal Gear Solid and vampires and make a bad game out of it, much less a horrible one, but Artoon managed to do so and now they're hoping they can catch, shell-shocked PS3 owners unawares as well. Eighteen months might buy you a new subtitle and better box art, but the shame still shines through.
In addition the PS3 will receive versions of Tiger Woods '09 and Ferrari Tourino Fratelli Garbanzo Trebuchet-- Set your resolution to 1080p and re-read what I wrote beforehand.
Wii
Mario Super Sluggers
Remember that Mario baseball game Namco made for the 'cube? No, of course you don't, it's a Mario baseball game, even the most slavish of Nintendo devotees have to be reminded of it's existence. Well, this is that, but with waggle tacked to one end, sealed in shrinkwrap and shoved in the face of the Wii Sports set in the hopes none of them played Mario Superstar Baseball either. And of course, they won't have, and of course it'll sell thirteen million copies.
Freddi Fish: The Case of The Missing Kelp Seeds
Like I'm Even Going to Bother.
Margot's Word Brain
The only way this could be even marginally interesting is if it were "Margo's Brain Rot". Moving right along...
Pajama Sam: Don't Fear the Dark
Now you're just screwing with me, Nintendo, there's no way you actually allow--
Spy Fox In Dry Cereal
So this would appear to be Fail Week for Nintendo, as we skip NES quality standards and go right for Chase the Chuckwagon territory. If you're reading this next week and hear me talking about General Custer Wii, upgrade your videocards.
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09 All-Play
Take my last Tiger Woods comment, pull the resolution back down to 480p and combine it with the entry for Mario Super Sluggers. Then get rid of all that, as golf is a sport that actually makes sense for Wii functionality, and EA has assigned it's head development team Tiburon to this title, unlike every other damned time they've make a Wii game and left it to languish to three guys with a PS2 SDK in a garage somewhere in Austin, Texas without air conditioning. With a major developer treating a Wii platform title as it's flagship SKU for the series, perhaps we'll finally see a renaissance in third par--
Kidz Sports: Crazy Mini Golf
---nevermind.
Xbox 360
Crash Time: Autobahn Pursuit
I have no clue what this thing is, and no one outside of IGN does either, and all they're doing is regurgitating the official PR docs. But apparently it's a chase game-- whatever the hell a "case game" may entail-- that's associated in some way with a German action TV show. It's thirty bucks and by the screenshots would appear to involve German armored personnel carriers in some fashion and while it sounds hard to imagine how you can make a bad game out of that, we've already went over Vampire Rain today. The fact that the developer's last game of any note was something called "World Racing 2"-- I guess "General Racing Product 2005" wasn't spartan enough-- doesn't help alleviate my concerns. But it is my understanding that ramps are involved.
Tales of Vesperia
The 360-- despite all logic, common sense and wishes of the larger gaming public-- remains the go-to system for next gen roleplaying games. Which, you know, would be great news for Microsoft if this were 1997 and it were possible to sell a videogame system based on the amount of support Square/Enyx throws your way. I've never played a Tales game, I guess if you're into this sort've thing you already know if you're going to buy it or not.
(While we're here--Vesperia? At least Symphonia had a recognizable root word. This sounds like it was bankrolled by a prescription lung decongestant)
Castle Crashers
Unless you're the remarkably rare confluence of hardcore gamer and golf enthusiast, this is undoubtedly game of the week, maybe even game of the month if Mercenaries 2 winds up sucking wind. My fellow Live Arcade subscribers have been waiting since 2006 for this title, patiently ignoring the fact that if it'd be on any other online network we'd have spent the past six months playing this bastard child of Knights of the Round and Alien Hominid into the ground as it cleared Microsoft certification. My only real concern for this title-- other than if it's worth dropping $15 bucks on if you're not a subscriber to Live Gold-- is the difficulty level vs Behemoths' last game, the aforementioned Alien Hominid. It's as yet unclear if Behemoth knows how to build a fun game, even if that game looks like it can't possibly go wrong.
Nintendo DS
The DS is the usual swamp of shovelware this week, littered with luminaries such as "My Chinese Coach" and "Sims 2 Apartment Pets" and a friggin' Digimon title of all things. But there is a new Harvest Moon game out for it this week, as well as N+ finally moving to the platform it was destined for. And if you haven't bought Bangai-O Spirits yet, do so. Otherwise 2008 is looking dire up until Chrono Trigger.
PSP
The Week in PSP in summary:
At least Nintendo can keep a certain air of dignity about itself as it diligently goes about it's task of destroying the industry.
Next Week!
Mercenaries 2! FINNISH MADMEN BLOW THE FUCK OF VENEZUELA!
Infinite Undiscovery! HAS A NAME THAT MAKES NO SENSE!
Rapala Fishing Frenzy DOESN'T GET TALKED ABOUT AT ALL!
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