Wallet Abuse Wednesday 9-17-08

Rock Band 2 (360)
Here's my question about guitar games-- if keeping abreast of Rock Band and Guitar Hero is equivalent to a $120/year subscription fee, why doesn't EA or Activision skip the retail bullshit allow a $10/month unlimited updated playlist option? Wouldn't everyone involved be better served if the yearly updates are treated like the song packs they really are and save the retail sequels for every other year, when the devs can make some noticable progress with features or graphics? It's not like Madden games where the fans will be happy to follow thier teams every year-- A newcomer to the guitar genre is just as well served with GH1 on the PS2 as he is with Rock Band 2-- Maybe moreso, depending on taste in music.

You have to wonder exactly where the half life for this genre is, if we haven't already eclipsed it. Save for the inception of Rock Band, only real thing Activision and EA (and now Konami) have been doing for the past four years is adding More Stuff, not New Stuff. At some point the influx of new fans just collapses and the publishers are forced to focus on the existent, dwindling, increasingly hardcore fans-- In many ways you can already see this happening with Konami's blazingly difficult Guitar Revolution.

But I could just be bitter in that I've never been able to enjoy a guitar game, despite virtually every other gamer I know owning a surplus of plastic Stratocasters. Guitar games go into that strata of cultural puruists that annoy me in my inability to enjoy, along with Jaquline Carey's epic tomes of fantasy magic smut, or The Beatles.

Dragon Quest 4 (DS)
On one hand, I like the idea of taking a classic game and periodically re-making it for new audiences. On the other hand, it would appear that only Squeenix is doing this regularly and even then only to Dragon Quest 4 and Final Fantasy 4. Meanwhile Deus Ex looks like low-res ass and no one in their right mind wants to bother with Planescape: Torment anymore.

The upside to this is that Squeenix has largely forgotten Final Fantasy Six ever existed, and thus they can't do anything to screw it up. The downside is that it could be decades before they get around to Final Fantasy 13.

Yggdra Union (PSP)

I predict a strong collector's market for this game, not due to it being a niche title for a niche system mainly notable for pirating PS1 games, but mainly because the name makes it all but impossible to ask a store clerk for a copy, save for those in an enclave of Polish-American strat-JRPG stalwarts in Weyerhaeuser, Wisconsin.

Also, how did this game make the leap from GBA to PSP without ever touching the DS? Yeah, it's technically a DS game in that it can be played on a DS, but that's like saying there's technically an F-Zero game for the Wii. Searching Wikipedia further research shows that that the DS sequel, Knights in the Nightmare, will be sold with a GBA cart of Yggdra Union-- that's either stupidly convoluted, or kinda cool in a "Radiohead on vinyl" sort of way.

Speed Racer (PS2)

Unless Gamestop's webpage is screwing with me, this is only just now coming out. How do you miss a cash-in PS2 racer by three months? Did the development team have to wait for the movie to be released before they knew what the game was supposed to be about?

The PS2 release happens to coincide with the DVD release, which contains it's own Speed Racer game on disc. Which raises an interesting experiment for some poor, brave soul-- which is the worse experience, Speed Racer: The Movie; Speed Racer: The Movie: The Game; or Speed Racer: The Game of the Movie on the Movie?

Rebel Raiders (Wii)

There's this neat little subgenre of arcade flying games that's developing on the Wii. Which is a good thing, it's not like Nintendo has any arcade flying franchises it's ignoring in favor of making Wii Music or anything.

Force Unleashed (everything)

I'm personally disappointed that Namco is cashing in on this series so quickly, and pretending that Ivy and Raphael never existed. It's just insulting.

(On a related note, you know the magazine covers where Starkiller is pulling down a Star Destroyer from orbit? That looked like it was going to be insanely cool a signature event that you'd be talking about on boards for the next week, right? Yeah, that's a quick time event. You remember Kratos's sex scenes in God of War? That, but with Tie Fighters instead of boobs. They took what could have been one of the most iconic sequences in gaming history and made it into a game of Space Ace. I'm not a game developer and thus I couldn't tell you exactly how you make the task of singlehandedly destroying a Star Destroyer into an compelling gaming experience, but if Simon Says on a Dual Shock 3 this was the best they could think of, maybe they shouldn't have bothered.)

Armored Core: For Answer (360, PS3)

One of the more disappointing developments to come about over the past handful of console generations is the utter failure of software makers to develop a single decent mech game, with the possible exception of Virtual On. The Armored Core series has managed to turn something inherently fun-- giant robots blowing the everloving crap out of other giant robots and the immediate surroundings-- into an exercise in ponderous, slow, exhaustingly exact combat more befitting submarine warfare than an episode of Voltron.

To resolve this issue, I propose that the next console cycle feature a "Fun Mech(tm)" chip in every console. This chip would, upon insertion of an Armored Core game, immediately boot to Shogo: Armored Police instead.

Battle Fantasia (360)

When Mercs 2 blew up my 360, I wasn't terribly upset as there wasn't much I was interested in on the 360 this year besides Fable 2 and Fallout 3, so I wasn't in much of a hurry to have it repaired. Then I found out that those assholes at Arc Systems went and made Odin Sphere: The Fighting Game.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_x3FItgimIQ

Unless you know to look, it's hard to tell those are polys. I'm not sure if it's doing anything new in the fighting game space, but I don't care, I'd gladly pay full MSRP for the art alone. Y'know, if Pandemic hadn't left my 360 a smoldering pile of ruin.

(On another note, how does it work out that the 360 version is coming over to America, but not the PS3? If this game doesn't firmly represent the exact market that should have been sealed up by the Playsation brand, what does this leave for the PS3? Microsoft has managed to out-otaku Sony, and I'm not sure if any of us are ready to mingle Halo 3 and Guilty Gear cosplayers.)

Pure (everything)

Sure, the previews say it's fun, but these are the same guys who made all those generic ATV/BMX racers on the PS2 and PSP-- fun is the baseline. ATV racers are the Kraft Dinner of videogames, it's more noteworthy if you manage to screw something like this up. Unless you're a 360 owner envious of Motorstorm, why wouldn't you play Dirt instead?

Red Bull BC One (DS)

Apparently portable DDR is a genre now. I greet this development with the same enthusiasm as a lit major learning that Twilight has it's own shelf at Barnes and Noble.

Imagine: My Secret World (DS)

If portable DDR is the Twilight of videogames, the Imagine series is Gossip Girls. We have only ourselves to blame, really-- when parents come to us asking for safe games to steer their daughters to (while secretly hoping their little princesses outgrow the whole videogaming phase) we should have mentioned Harvest Moon or Katamari Damacy instead of Nintendogs. Now in ten years games like this will be directing popular culture.

If you think it's outrageous of me to link Nintendogs to the death of western civilization, you've not been reading enough of my articles.

Line Rider 2 (DS)

You should probably buy this. One, it's good to see an indy game designer make it big using nothing more than a sketch on a notepad, and two, it's Line Rider on the DS for only twenty bucks. You weren't using that money for anything important.

DEVELOPMENTS THAT SICKEN ME AND I CANNOT BE BOTHERED TO DISCUSS:
Di-Gata Defenders (DS)
Unsolved Crimes (DS)
Igor (Wii)

NEXT WEEK:
Baja: Edge of Control makes Pure even more redundant!
Rhapsody: Musical Adventure questions our masculinity!
Kirby Super Star Ultra is more rehashed tripe from Nint-- oh who am I kidding, I'm probably buying this.

Upcoming Sept 9 2008

Kevar points out from lasts week's that the few who Viva Pinata were, hardcore gamers and that the game was genuinely well-received by critics.  And while I won't argue those points (84% at Metacritic, after all) that's not the point I was trying to get across.  Yeah, you can say that it was the hardcore that wound up buying the game, but I'd argue that that's largely because on November 2, 2006 there weren't a whole lot of options for the 360.  VP and Gears of War were virtually the only 360 exclusives on the field.  We were legitimately excited for Sneak King and Pocket Bike Racer, for chrissake.  If you happen to exist at that unlikely crossroad of 360 ownership and Harvest Moon fandom yeah, VP2 is your title.  But that doesn't mean it exists within the 360's market.

Last week you may remember me carrying the water for Mercenaries 2.  As you may note from my general scorn and derision for 90% of the games I list here, legitimate excitement over a game is a rare for me, and Mercs 2 represented the first time I've paid full retail price for a console game since Ninja Gaiden 2-- and maybe the third time all year between those two and Devil May Cry 4.  And while I don't regret this, Mercenaries 2 has overall been a disappointment.

Mercs 1's biggest problem was it's general lack of polish, and along with that a full suite of bugs and and hilarious geometry errors.  And while the game has received a gloss of EA polish-- you've probably already heard the theme song the bugs have at best, been revised.

Geometry errors still abound-- your helicopter pilot seems unable to grasp the concept of flying over palm trees instead of through them before giving up and dropping your cargo (whether it be something as simple as a crate of AK-47 ammo or a fully equipped Abhrams battle tank) wherever he got suck and then popping out of existence. The frequent race missions represent an exercise in speculative physics;  NPC soldiers tend to get stuck in interesting locations such as the space between the body of a tank and it's turrent, being none worse for wear despite the ordeal.

Brand new bugs include a radio dispatch operator who's continually advising you to return to base for nonexistent missions, A GPS system so horribly broken that deciphering it's quirks constitutes it's own mini-game, and bikes equipped with a truly remarkable gyroscopic stabilization system that resists gravity, tumbles fromatopmountain precipices and broadsides from rocket propelled grenades.  Mercenaries 2 also continues a troubling trend where developers try to cram as many functions into one key as possible, to the point where large swaths of the controller become unused in favor of the all-inclusive Action Button. 

All of which makes for a frustrating experience, and this is in despite delays and an upgrade in publishing companies.  It's still a fun game and one I don't regret buying, I wish Pandemic had been as inspired in QA as they had in producing the rap jingle.

That's all ignoring that Mercs 2  has caused my launch edition 360 to red ring-- which is confounding, as the game basically looks like the XB1 original with better geometry and light blur.  In closing, fuck you, Pandemic, fuck you for blowing up my 360 and fuck you for screwing up Mattias' voice.

*Spore (PC)

I don't get sim games.  I don't mind them, I just classify them in the same space reserved for ballet or lacrosse or the Beatles, pursuits that are probably more culturally important than the things I enjoy and cause me to feel guilty for not enjoying.

However, I feel people are going out of their way to refuse to classify what would otherwise appear to be a classic Will Wright sim.  And maybe it's because this has never been my type of game-- a decided lack of ninjas or beheadings or Lotus race cars-- I've never been terribly interested in the game Spore as much as the concept of Spore.  That said, I can't be mad at a game that allows me to create a walking, spiked-club wielding penis to do battle with alien cultures, and you have to respect a concept that refuses to patronize it's players, even if that comes with a certain lack of accessibility.

'course, that's ignoring the real possibility that Spore might not be a fundamentally good game, if impressions from the pirate community are to be believed.  Let's just hope that the confluence of software pirates and 4x exploration fans turns out to be rather low.

*Spore Creatures (Wii)

I've spent the past two days reading impressions and watching gameplay trailers for Spore Creatures and I still cant' tell you what it's supposed to be about or what it's supposed to do with Spore PC.  At best I think it's supposed to be Cubivore with Paper Mario's art style.  Maybe.  I dunno.  It's probably wretched.

*NHL 2k9 (Everything)

If you're going to buy one NHL game this year... well, this is going to pretty much have to be it, isn't it?

You know, hockey is a pretty easy to translate to videogame form, and is one of those concepts that make for better game without official licensing or faithfully-reproduced physics.  Knowing this, why hasn't someone paid five bucks for the Blades of Steel name and run with it?

*Mystery Case Files:  MillionHeir (DS)

While none of us were paying attention, a company called Big Fish Games has made an enormous amount of money producing Myst games for housewives in the guise of the Mystery Case File series, and this is the culmination of their efforts.

The point of these games is to-- and I say this will all seriousness-- to find items in the background and click on them.  Did I say Myst?  Obviously I meant Where's Waldo.

This goes beyond simple casual gaming, beyond your parents waving a wiimote in the general direction of your TV screen, this is a game your three year old niece would be personally offended if it were installed on her LeapFrog.

At first I wondered how something like this garnered a hundred million downloads and six games, but then I saw where Big Fish Games was founded by the same guys who founded RealNetworks and it became obvious-- they tricked people into buying these, same way they tricked millions of poor suckers into downloading RealPlayer and RealArcade.  So in the unlikely event you buy a DS game in the near future, be careful-- there's a good chance these assholes have infested that copy Bangai-O with Realplayer:  The Game Series.

*Lock's Quest (DS)

A hardcore-ized version of Tower Defense ginned up with anime-style art (although it's about as Japanese as a Toyota Camry, having been developed by the Drawn to Life guys); If it's $20 I'll buy it, if any more expensive than that you wonder why they've bothered.

(I do, however, like this idea of flash game concepts making it over to handhelds, and am saddened to learn that Tower of Goo  -- pretty much The Perfect DS Game-- is going to WiiWare instead.)

*Mazes of Fate (DS)

Normally, I'd be excited to play a handheld Shining in the Darkness. But then I remember Etrian Odyssey already exists, is five hundred million hours long, and features dominatrixes with enormous boobs as a playable character class. And suddenly I no longer care about Mazes of Fate.

*Bratz Poneyz 2 (DS)

Yeah, we're going to talk about Bratz Poneyz 2, as I think it's important that we bring a game who's ultimate goal is raising a doe-eyed horse slut into the national conversation.

Those sassy, naughty little ponies.

This is the point where I feel I should confess my crush on Megan from the My Little Pony cartoon, so maybe I'm coming into this with mixed emotions and I'm not a fair judge of this game's ...merits... but I feel this game is not only offensive to gamers and the unfortunate eight year old girls and effeminate boys who receive this for Christmas, but aslo to the entire anamorphic equine community.

Between this and turning their delicious bones into Jell-O desserts, we're going to have a lot to answer for one day.

*Zoids Assault (360)

What the fuck is Zoids Assault

*TNA Impact (PS3, PS2, 360)

A fake wrestling game (They've removed grappling and submissions!) for a fake wrestling company that represents a fake sport.  Have I mentioned that these guys have been paying Kurt Angle money to stay on their payroll for the past two years, a guy who's neck vertebrae have all the structural integrity of a granola bar?

That said, if Kevin Nash's moveset is simply him taking four steps into the ring and then instantly retiring, it's at least worth a rental.

*Active Life Outdoor Challenge (Wii) 

Or as I like to call it; Irony: The Game.

*Yakuza 2 (PS2)

I'd never played the first, having passed it off as a weeaboo-friendly GTA3, but it seems I may have been a bit rash in that decision, or at least should not pass that opinion off to it's sequel.  This could well be the last Really Important Game PS2 owners lay in the system's spindle.  If any company were to give us the PS2's swan song, it's only fitting it should be Sega.

NEXT WEEK:

Force Unleashed continues the epic story first hinted at in Soul Calibur 4!

Rock Band 2 HOLY SHIT THIS THING HAS LUMP I HAVE TO BUY IT

Battle Fantasia:

Is alright by me!

Upcoming 8-30-08

Yakul from last week's comments mentioned that this could well be the worst worst generation for software ever-- and judging from my cynical dismissal for everything other than Castle Crashers, you may think I share that opinion. But I believe we're receiving some genuinely great titles, from No More Heroes to Bioshock to Fallout 3-- but it seems there's more dross to sort through than previous console generations, and the crap that's there isn't even interesting crap.

But this generation is far from the worst. Ignoring the 2600 and the Crash that it created, I'd say we're doing better now The 16 bit era, something we treat as sacrosanct, lauding luminaries such as Chrono Trigger while ignoring Bubsy the Bobcat and Sherlock Holmes Consulting Detective.

Yes, there's a lot of crap this generation, but it's crap that's recognizable and avoidable and not masquerading as triple-A titles. There's also a greater diversity of games this gen as compared to the endless string of mascot platformers on the Genesis and SNES.

Finally, (and this may be only my own experience talking)I think games this generation provide a far greater value than years before. The NES/SNES eras and even most of the PS1 cycle were still largely driven by the arcade, a model that gave us $50-70 games that lasted less than a weekend. Publishers were forced to counter the rental market by increasing difficulty to the point where only the most skilled were able to enjoy the entertainment investment they'd made. And while such logic still exists to some degree, it's now possible for even a novice gamer to garner full enjoyment from GTA 4.

Also, I've been reminded that Castlevania: The Next One will be arriving on DS later this year. I retract my statement, then: Instead of Chrono Trigger being the only noteworthy title on the DS field from here until-- well, whenever-- there's Chrono Trigger and Castlevania SOTN VI.

I'm pulling this update out early this week as for some inexplicable reason Mercenaries 2 is releasing on Sunday. I suppose that makes sense in that it allows to celebrate Labor Day by blowing up Venezuelans in many unique and hilarious ways, but now we're just madly refreshing Cheapass Gamer in hopes that Best Buy breaks street date.

Mercenaries 2: World in Flames (PS3, PS2?!, 360)

You may be asking why Mercenaries 2 so important that I'm willing shuffling around my busy drug-and-supermodel-oriented schedule to bring us this update a full forty eight hour earlier than normal Well, I'll tell you.

In Mercenaries 2, you can hijack a helicopter, pick up another tank (also likely hijacked) and then use that tank while being flown around via helicopter.

Forget your opera house scenes, your colossi, your hours of meticulously scripted codec conversations-- this is the defining point of gaming, and I'm not sure if there's any where further to go once atop this precipice. Mercenaries 2 will simultaneously save our generation and destroy it. There's no need to keep the wheezing husk Western civilization around any longer. Soon the world economies will be driven toward one goal-- transmitting the binary data of Mercenaries 2 to the distant stars, in hopes of spreading this game's wisdom, virus-like, to the cosmos.

Hopefully the lack of review scores and initial impressions doesn't mean this game is going to suck, as I've already cashed out my 401k for a microbus, two hundred pounds of pot and all the zig-zags to be found in Astoria.

Infinite Undiscovery (360)

It's by Tri-Ace, the Valkyrie Profile guys, so that's a good sign. And while it's doing some interesting new stuff with stealth gameplay and a party system that makes use of it's entire cast, 1up is complaining of it's Wii-level graphics and the plot is your basic “keep big bad from becoming god” JRPG trope. But I'm more troubled by Squeenix's continued inability to create characters that don't look like absolute poofs:

It's sort've hard to connect with a guy wearing a muffin on top of his head, y'know? Amano's stuff was less frilly than this, and his characters had more estrogen than a CLAMP anime. As I don't keep on top of JRPGs, can a kind reader please explain why anyone would chose this over Tales of Vesperia other than the Squeenix logo on the front of the box?

Viva Pinata: Trouble In Paradise (360)

Rare didn't make the case to 360 owners first game in this series and the followup doesn't look like anything remotely what they'd be interested either. Which is a roundabout way of saying this Isn't Meant For Us, but you wonder who it's meant for at all. The market VP2 is targeting just isn't ever going to be within the 360's sphere and a single series isn't going to expand that market to where the system becomes attractive to parents of 12 year olds.

Warhammer: Battle March (360)

Speaking of target audiences-- this is an expanded version of the Warhammer PC game Mark of Chaos, a middling quality quasi-RTS with a number of quality control issues. Hopefully those have been cleared up for the 360, But at $60 it's hard to make the case for a two year old PC RTS that plays like point and click Dynasty Warriors. If Namco had released this at $40 they may have generated some middling interest and maybe provided a vehicle for DLC. As it stands the most sales this will produce will be from the used bin.

Rapala Fishing (Wii, 360)

Fooled you!

Shred Nebula (XBLA)

How do you follow up something as critically acclaimed as Braid, something as anticipated as Castle Crashers, something with the nostalgic weight of Bionic Commando ReArmed? If you're CrunchTime Games, you release an updated version of Subspace-- which isn't necessarily a bad thing, as Subspace was a good game and it's due for an update, but it's the sort of thing that's completely useless if you don't have a Gold subscription.

Pirates vs Ninjas Dodgeball (XBLA)

You know everything you need to know about this by reading the title. Various internet memes come to life to play dodgeball, made all the more tragic for the lack of the Will It Blend Guy. Looks harmless enough, but what would compel a person to purchase this over Castle Crashers?

Tony Dungy Simulator '09! (PS3, 360)

(not seen: Jesus smiting Rex Grossman; Peyton Manning being awesome, Tom Brady hanging Super Bowl rings off his lingham)

I'm not sure why something like this isn't rolled into the yearly Madden updates, but that's assuming EA would ever need to expend effort to sell Madden.

Facebreaker (PS3, 360) Facebreaker KO Party (Wii)

There's no reason for a boxing game to exist on any other platform than the Wii, which leads a person to wonder why the title was split in the first place.

Fading Shadows (PSP)

There's two reasons you've not heard of this: one, it's a PSP game being sold exclusively by Gamestop (A breach of logic and common sense that's a hallmark of Agetec); secondly it's Mercury without the accelerometer gimmick. What it lacks in a defensible sales model or gameplay, it makes up for in a plot that came from the darkest recesses of a Mortal Kombat fanfic writer's meth-addled id:

Evil is afoot and the villainous Master Gardal has diabolical plans. With the aid of his faithful minions Quiph and Morg, he intends to conquer the famed Castle of Heaven... the supreme fortress built to protect the world from forces of darkness. The only way for Gardal to breach the castle gates is by sacrificing the pure, untainted soul of Erwyn, a young boy mentioned in a millennia-old prophecy. Gardal and his minions have already captured the boy and imprisoned him inside a dungeon to await execution. Yet Gardal didn't count on the help of Aira, Erwyn's clairvoyant sister. To save her brother, Aira has sealed Erwyn's soul within a single teardrop and transformed the teardrop into a protective orb. Now, in order to free her brother she must safely guide the orb into the Castle of Heaven using a magical beam of light. Unfortunately, sending the beam of light to Erwyn has used all of Aira's strength and she cannot control it any longer... Will you help her?

The copy editor must've wrote this under the impression he was working on a White Wolf RPG before was told to work the play mechanics for Marble Madness into the plot.

NEXT WEEK:

Spore! Confirms/denies evolution/Intelligent Design!

Zoids Assault! It's existence confuses and angers me!

Yakuza 2! Gives us false hope in Sega!

Upcoming 8-26-08

Following an unprecedented 12 month span where no games were released or announced I, your faithful servant, return to warn you about what you should under no circumstance spend money on this coming Wednesday. Luckily for your 401k, despite a relative heavy deluge of gaming this week nary a single one is worth venturing forth from your impoverished hovel to obtain.

Playstation 2

DT Carnage PS2 Racing

Not a lot of information exists on DT Carnage, including review scores-- the few things to be found other the standard PR palbum is it's price-- $15, and it's publisher, Agetec. Which is more than sufficient evidence for anyone with any self respect to ask themselves why they're purchasing videogames at a Wal-Mart.

Ferrari Challenge Trofeo Pirelli

A racing game with four times as many names as car makes, Ferrari Stradale Challenge Truffle Profiterole reeks of the same sort of cash-in mentality that brought us Ford Racing and Corvette Challenge. Of course, Ferrari are remarkable whores, so this should come as little surprise, you'd just have rather they would have had more dignity than to farm out the Prancing Horse to a developer who's last game of any note was Impossible Mission. For the Wii.

Shining Dragon

At first glance this would appear to be another in Sega's endless attempts to wring blood from the Shining series stone without having to actually bother making something resembling a Shining game. But no, it's a piece of anime fighting fluffery based off something called "Ikki Tousen". If you should happen to be an "Ikki Tousen" fan, this probably means something to you, if not this game shouldn't mean anything to you either, unless you're willing to drop $14 on an end-of-cycle Japanese 2d fighter that'll probably sell 10,000 copies and-- Oh who am I kidding, I may as well preorder now. Maybe there's an LE with an Ikki Tousen mousepad or something.

Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09

If you're the type of person who buys golf games, you're probably not the type of person that reads review scores to golf videogames, and you're certainly not the type of person that reads articles talking about review scores to golf videogames. Like you weren't going to buy this anyway.

Playstation 3

Ratchet & Clank Future: Quest for Booty

This would appear to be a downloadable standalone expansion for Whichever Rachet and Clank Was the Last One, which in itself is a rather neat idea, after all it's nice to see aftermarket content for something that isn't an FPS or racer, and a 360 owner, I'd like to see more stuff along these lines come to Live. PS3 owners however, probably aren't thrilled to receive what amounts to an utterly mediocre map pack for a series that has snuck it's way into becoming Sony's flagship franchise. But it's either this or spend more money on song packs.

Disgaea 3: Absence of Justice

So this is interesting, if not exactly good. What we have here is a sequel to Disgaea-- an critically overlooked strategy RPG that quickly became a cult hit among the weeaboo set-- transported over to the PS3 with little gained from the process other than higher resolution sprites. Which in itself isn't all that bad-- after all, if there's anything we need more of is turn-based RPGs in the vein of Shining Force-- But you have to question Atlus' sanity, seeing that the vast majority of their fans have as yet seen little reason to upgrade to a PS3, and reasons diminishing by the day. Even the horrific spectacle of Disgaea mutilated to fit on the Nintendo DS will sell more than this.

Vampire Rain: Altered Species

I don't know how you can combine Metal Gear Solid and vampires and make a bad game out of it, much less a horrible one, but Artoon managed to do so and now they're hoping they can catch, shell-shocked PS3 owners unawares as well. Eighteen months might buy you a new subtitle and better box art, but the shame still shines through.

In addition the PS3 will receive versions of Tiger Woods '09 and Ferrari Tourino Fratelli Garbanzo Trebuchet-- Set your resolution to 1080p and re-read what I wrote beforehand.


Wii

Mario Super Sluggers

Remember that Mario baseball game Namco made for the 'cube? No, of course you don't, it's a Mario baseball game, even the most slavish of Nintendo devotees have to be reminded of it's existence. Well, this is that, but with waggle tacked to one end, sealed in shrinkwrap and shoved in the face of the Wii Sports set in the hopes none of them played Mario Superstar Baseball either. And of course, they won't have, and of course it'll sell thirteen million copies.

Freddi Fish: The Case of The Missing Kelp Seeds

Like I'm Even Going to Bother.

Margot's Word Brain

The only way this could be even marginally interesting is if it were "Margo's Brain Rot". Moving right along...

Pajama Sam: Don't Fear the Dark

Now you're just screwing with me, Nintendo, there's no way you actually allow--

Spy Fox In Dry Cereal

So this would appear to be Fail Week for Nintendo, as we skip NES quality standards and go right for Chase the Chuckwagon territory. If you're reading this next week and hear me talking about General Custer Wii, upgrade your videocards.

Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09 All-Play

Take my last Tiger Woods comment, pull the resolution back down to 480p and combine it with the entry for Mario Super Sluggers. Then get rid of all that, as golf is a sport that actually makes sense for Wii functionality, and EA has assigned it's head development team Tiburon to this title, unlike every other damned time they've make a Wii game and left it to languish to three guys with a PS2 SDK in a garage somewhere in Austin, Texas without air conditioning. With a major developer treating a Wii platform title as it's flagship SKU for the series, perhaps we'll finally see a renaissance in third par--

Kidz Sports: Crazy Mini Golf

---nevermind.

Xbox 360


Crash Time: Autobahn Pursuit

I have no clue what this thing is, and no one outside of IGN does either, and all they're doing is regurgitating the official PR docs. But apparently it's a chase game-- whatever the hell a "case game" may entail-- that's associated in some way with a German action TV show. It's thirty bucks and by the screenshots would appear to involve German armored personnel carriers in some fashion and while it sounds hard to imagine how you can make a bad game out of that, we've already went over Vampire Rain today. The fact that the developer's last game of any note was something called "World Racing 2"-- I guess "General Racing Product 2005" wasn't spartan enough-- doesn't help alleviate my concerns. But it is my understanding that ramps are involved.

Tales of Vesperia

The 360-- despite all logic, common sense and wishes of the larger gaming public-- remains the go-to system for next gen roleplaying games. Which, you know, would be great news for Microsoft if this were 1997 and it were possible to sell a videogame system based on the amount of support Square/Enyx throws your way. I've never played a Tales game, I guess if you're into this sort've thing you already know if you're going to buy it or not.

(While we're here--Vesperia? At least Symphonia had a recognizable root word. This sounds like it was bankrolled by a prescription lung decongestant)

Castle Crashers

Unless you're the remarkably rare confluence of hardcore gamer and golf enthusiast, this is undoubtedly game of the week, maybe even game of the month if Mercenaries 2 winds up sucking wind. My fellow Live Arcade subscribers have been waiting since 2006 for this title, patiently ignoring the fact that if it'd be on any other online network we'd have spent the past six months playing this bastard child of Knights of the Round and Alien Hominid into the ground as it cleared Microsoft certification. My only real concern for this title-- other than if it's worth dropping $15 bucks on if you're not a subscriber to Live Gold-- is the difficulty level vs Behemoths' last game, the aforementioned Alien Hominid. It's as yet unclear if Behemoth knows how to build a fun game, even if that game looks like it can't possibly go wrong.

Nintendo DS

The DS is the usual swamp of shovelware this week, littered with luminaries such as "My Chinese Coach" and "Sims 2 Apartment Pets" and a friggin' Digimon title of all things. But there is a new Harvest Moon game out for it this week, as well as N+ finally moving to the platform it was destined for. And if you haven't bought Bangai-O Spirits yet, do so. Otherwise 2008 is looking dire up until Chrono Trigger.


PSP

The Week in PSP in summary:

At least Nintendo can keep a certain air of dignity about itself as it diligently goes about it's task of destroying the industry.



Next Week!

Mercenaries 2! FINNISH MADMEN BLOW THE FUCK OF VENEZUELA!
Infinite Undiscovery! HAS A NAME THAT MAKES NO SENSE!
Rapala Fishing Frenzy DOESN'T GET TALKED ABOUT AT ALL!

Upcoming August 14th

In a startling turn of events, this actually turns out to be a decent week of gaming, even in the face (or perhaps because of) of legions of slavering Madden fans descending upon stores come Wednesday morning. Also, Persona 3 pops back up again, after what Atlus will only describe as a "printing error" leading to a three week delay. If nothing else, this should prove a fascinating social experiment as okatu and jocks mingle in the same annoying, stress-inducing line at the local EBStop.

Marvel Ultimate Alliance (PS2)

Apparently Raven's kept the visuals up to par with the 360 version (Which sounds impressive until you remember everything in this genre is zoomed out to something just under low Earth orbit) and it's a third of the asking price for the next-gen versions of this game. If this is your thing and you haven't picked it up yet, it looks to be a decent diversion. Even if this isn't your thing, you have to figure it's at least twice as good as The Red Star, and doesn't feature a minute and a half of unstoppable credit screens every time you want to start the game.

The timing on this is actually rather remarkable, as it gives dads something to keep their kids shut up about while huddling in the living room with Madden.

Fatal Fury Battle Archive (PS2)

Pay attention. This is something incredibly rare in gaming, a package that's so brilliantly fucking fantastic and priced so low that hardcore gamers cannot justify not owning it. Game companies simply don't do this sort of thing anymore, and as much as I hate the whole "reward consumerism" mindset, it's something that's deserving of our retail dollars. Herein you will find Fatal Fury, Fatal Fury 2, Fatal Fury Special and Fatal Fury 3, on one disc, for fifteen fucking dollars. And okay, yeah, while you're probably either going to wind up playing FF Special or FF 3 and not touch the rest of the disc, it's still a rather incredible event to witness, especially if you're of the generation that can remember calculating exactly how much overtime they'd need to work to justify a Neo Geo purchase. Fifteen years ago this package would have cost you something along the lines of eight hundred dollars to collect, and that's not counting the price of the console itself. I could not possibly recommend this enough. Now if there was just some way to convince SNK to release a disc consisting of their non-fighter, non-Metal Slug Neo Geo stuff. There's an entire generation of gamers out there who've never played Magician Lord!

Madden '08 (PS2/PSP/360/PS3/Wii/DS)

The yearly event that exposes the rest of America to the dank, filthy halls of EBStop is upon us again, causing us to both recoil in horror at what we may one day become and begrudgingly admit that without stuff like this it'd be impossible to justify Shadow of the Colossus and Bioshock.

A quick rundown of what each version features:

• The 360 version runs at 60fps, and is thus considered the "full" version. It is unknown exactly how much money traded hands for Microsoft to pull this off, but safe to say there's been an alarming amount of trade happening between EA and MS, including advertising rights, PR Marketing heads trading places between companies, and of course Microsoft's compliance in EA's continued destruction of the integrity of Xbox Live. I'm not saying that Madden '08 is better on the 360 simply because EA and MS are in bed, but it sure looks weird.
• The PS3 version runs at 30fps. Rumors as to virulent mold spores being packaged in each Blu-Ray case remain wholly unconfirmed.
• The PS2 version is the one people will wind up actually buying
• The Wii version is like the PS2 version, only a pain in the ass to actually get anything done with
• The DS version is further proof of the lack of a kind or loving God
• The PSP version is there because hey, PSP owners are sorta dumb anyway.

Persona 3 (PS2)

And now, presenting the case for Persona 3:

Well, I mean, if you insist...

Also, apparently you contact the spirit world via repeated ritualistic suicide. That's kinda different. And as always, the Last Great Hurrah of the PS2 until something comes along next month to further justify never buying a next-gen system. I swear, this generation isn't going to end until we wind up with seventeen million unsold copies of Toy Story 4 buried somewhere in Utah.

Metropolismania 2 (PS2)

No reviews for this thing exist, and every preview site googled up regurgitates the exact same PR boilerplate. But it looks like SimCity for people who order pocky online-- since Natsume is involved, I can only assume there's cows and an awkward dating game involved somewhere. So yeah, imagine Harvest Moon, only you're a city planner, and instead of crops you've gotta harvest crack rocks and manage prostitutes. Only everyone's got enormous fucking doe eyes, so it's even creepier than what I just described.

Dungeons and Dragons Tactics (PSP)

What the hell is this and why is it on the PSP instead of a system I want to actually own? It's a tactical RPG using D&D 3.5 rules, and if you're the sort of mutant like I am and actually enjoy D&D 3.5 combat, you're a tad dumbstruck at the thoughts of a videogame appearing on the PSP that may just justify removing your firmware hack in order to play.

Seriously Wizards, fuck you. Aren't you guys aware that PSP owners don't buy videogames?

Pile o' DS Crap: High School Musical and Operation Vietnam.

I'm almost positive I've seen High School Musical: Making the Grade here before. What possible quality control issues can be involved with a High School Musical game that could even remotely justify a delay? Was the text replaced with nothing but anti-Semitic slurs? Did someone screw up the order form and buy a half million blank Game.com carts? Was AIDS found lurking in the staples binding the instruction manual together?

As far as Operation: Vietnam goes, just imagine. This is how Vietnam vets think our generation views the sacrifice of their youth:

With any luck our nation will refuse to go to war ever again under the fear that game developers will make shitty games about the experience.

Finally, a trio of shockingly good DS games by way of Japan.

Heroes of Mana (DS)

It took the better part of three years, but someone finally built a quality RTS entirely around the DS, and it's coming from Squeenix of all people. To confound matters, it's coming under the guise of a "* of Mana" game that doesn't suck the will to live out of anyone attempting to play it.

Rune Factory (DS)

Natsume has plastered IGN with banner ads labeling this as a "Fantasy Harvest Moon", which I guess tells you everything you really need to know about this. Of the one recent review to come of this to show up on Gamerankings Nintendo Power docent seem to like it much, bestowing a 70%. But then, Nintendo Power gave Puzzle Quest DS a 40%, so what do they know?

Luminous Arc (DS)

And to compliment Heroes of Mana, someone remembered the DS ought to have a lot more Strategy RPGs on it than it does by now, and thus we have Luminous Arc-- Which by all appearances is your bog-standard SRPG affair with your demons and fallen gods and all that noise, but hey, it's gotta beat playing through Tactics Advance for the seventeenth time... So you know, you can play this to death until Tactics Advance 2 comes out. And since it's published by Atlus, you get to stare at stuff like this for sixty hours.

Also, apparently it comes with a dating sim minigame. So this is pretty much the greatest "I'm a social pariah yet I still need to go to work everyday" videogame ever created.

NEXT WEEK! I Spy Treehouse for the DS! Brunswick Bowling for the PS2! Something called Bioshock for the 360!

Bigredcoat Summer Gaming Blowout: The Red Star Doesn't Suck!

I'm going to let you into a dirty little secret of mine, one that's even more perverse than my Lucy Lawless as an English nanny fetish.

I collect videogames.

Yeah, okay, so we all "collect" videogames, but when I say I "collect videogames" I mean in the way that some people "collect comics" and other people "collect comics". I mean buying Valkyrie Profile for $120 and only playing it long enough to see if it boots up. Or buying copies of Zone of the Enders 2, simply because every so often I catch it selling for five bucks at Blockbuster. Or owning a copy of the Dungeons and Dragons Arcade Collection for the Saturn despite having no earthly idea what's going on, seeing as how the entire thing is presented in unsubtitled Japanese. So when I saw Archangel Studios selling The Red Star for The PS2 off their website for twenty bucks, I figured it'd be worth hitting up on the off chance that it may suffer from a low print run, what with it being a fairly niche game produced by a small publisher released at the end of a console's life, a combination that saw many a hundred dollar Ebay special for the Saturn and PS1.

Then last week at Best Buy I saw The Red Star in the budget rack alongside Ford Extreme Racing, so I went and broke open my copy.

And surprisingly, it doesn't suck! Now I'm not going to say it's a great game, because man, it's not great. Not at all. Or even particularly good. I mean, if I'd spent fifty bucks for the thing, I'd be pretty pissed. At best, you can say The Red Star is pleasantly UN-horrible. But at twenty dollars, it's just right, and you can even order the game directly from the studio and get a warm fuzzy feeling from sending money directly to the publisher and bypassing the bloated retail apparatus.

As far as the gameplay, the best I could say is that it's something like a 3d beat 'em up combined with portions of a bullet-hell shump. Which sounds fantastic, (and in all honestly, it plays good enough) but it's the details where things start to come apart-- details such as Dreamcast-level graphics, or the lack of a lock-on system that actually works, or a difficulty curve that resembles a hockey stick. It's that last bit that's most frustrating, as for the first dozen or so levels of the game you're presented with an enjoyable, if a tad easygoing beat 'em up where you can safely take on a screen full of enemies at once, but then at around the eleventh level the game presents you with enemies that roll/phase out of every attack, are capable of removing a quarter of a life bar with every hit, forcing you to creep along the screen not daring to take on more than a couple at a time. It's also around this same time that the game suddenly becomes very stingy with it's life-sustaining halliburton briefcases.

But it gets the important things(or it's "core competencies" if I were the sort of hack to use techy buzzwords like "core competency") right, as the gameplay is solid if a tad banal. Rush up to soldier, pound crap out of soldier, toss soldier into the air, pound crap out of soldier some more, slam soldier into the ground, repeat. In between crazed melee rushes you're allowed to whip out a pair of guns and blast at enemies from range, although this is mainly a boss-fight sort of thing and is where the bullet-hell shump portions of the gameplay come into light. There's even a couple of levels where you board a jet plane and take to the enemy shoot-em-up style, and while a bit clumsy and certainly inelegant they serve to nicely break up what would otherwise be a monotony. And while the storyline and atmosphere are good, they're almost entirely irrelevant, as you'll find yourself skipping the mission briefings without any repercussions whatsoever. Not to sound like a dick, but I don't play beat 'em ups for the story-- if it was Archangel's intent to get the Red Star storyline out to a wider audience, they should have done so in something more resembling an RPG. (For that matter, with it's high-magic, steampunk tech and alternate universe USSR universe, this would have made for an excellent RPG experience.)

While it seems harsh to call a game with decent gameplay "surprisingly un-awful", it's not like we're talking God of War here-- or even Final Fight. Think more along the lines of Golden Axe, but with better enemies. Which isn't bad mind you, but it's not the sort of thing you can really justify purchasing in this day and age at other than it's budget price point. In fact, I wonder if it shouldn't have been cut down to fit on Live Arcade instead, as I'm positive Castle Crashers will wind up outclassing it on every level.

Mild recommendation to buy, as long as you come in not expecting anything mind-blowing or unique-- and sometimes, that's just fine.

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Do the 360 shuffle

With official word of the oncoming price drop of 360 consoles come this Wednesday, it has come to my attention that Microsoft will now feature no less than four distinct SKUs, staggered at price points that defy any attempts at rationalizatinon. Some would call this an embarrassment of riches. Other people, who are not slavering Xbox 360 fanboys, would call it goddamned retarded. In any case, it's all very confusing, so I, humble servant to the gaming community that I am, will provide the public a breakdown of each SKU, along with the associated pros and cons.

Xbox 360 Core

Price: $279

Pros:

• Removes money from bank account that may otherwise have accidentally found it's way to the Church of Scientology
• Memory card (not included) will one day be shown to your children as a curiosity, much like Sony Betamax videotapes, or Sony PSP videogames.

Cons:

• No memory card
• No hard disc drive
• Wired controller
• Fumes emanating from back of unit known to cause cancer in lab rats
• Will make your children cry should you purchase it for them
• Will make you wonder why you didn't spend the money on a Wii
• Instills gnawing feeling of doom as you realize you need to spend an extra hundred dollars on a hard disc drive to get anything done with the stupid thing
• Really, what the hell are you thinking?
• Just give me your money, I'll buy you a nice coat instead. Or maybe one of those official Lord of the Rings Swords.

In one of the more baffling maneuvers Microsoft's pulled off thus far in the console wars, they've managed to release a 360 at a price point that not only is still not competitive with the Wii, but in neglecting to include a savegame card, they've managed to produce the only next-gen console on the market today that lacks any form whatsoever of standard game storage or wireless controls. Feature-wise, it is actually a step backwards from the original Xbox, where at least you never had to worry about buying a memory card.

Xbox 360 Pro (nee Premium)

Price: $349

Pros:

• Actually comes with a goddamned hard drive
• You can play games with this one
• Not to mention download stuff
• Doesn't lead to a long, awkward pause as you try to justify to your friends why you bought a 360 Core
• Free headset!
• Swank dual use composite/component AV input cords
• As with all 360 units, superheated air emanating from the rear of the unit may be used to power a small hydroponic garden
• Comes with a free copy of Rockstar's Table Tennis

Cons:

• Comes with a free copy of Rockstar's Table Tennis
• 20gb hard drive instead of the Elite's 120gb
• No HDMI video input
• As with all 360 units, will eventually melt into a puddle of semisolid plastic and silicone, possibly lighting house and/or small pets on fire

For the most part, the Pro remains the best value of the lot, despite it's rather tiny hdd drive. Still, 20 gigs is more than large enough if you intend to do nothing more than save games, XBLA downloads and game demos. The choice of free game here seems odd to me-- Yeah, there's a market for Table Tennis, and people other than me seem to think it's a good game and all, but I have to wonder why they decided to lowball the pack-in here and not include something really enticing, like a Kameo/Perfect Dark Zero double pack. The XB1 Sega GT 2000/Jet Set Radio Future pack was what finally convinced me to buy the first Xbox, and I can't help but imagine two quality, hyped release titles that have more than served their useful purpose would be a better fit here than an overly complicated Pong update that's more at home on the Wii anyway.

Xbox 360 Halo 3 Edition

Price: $399

Pros:

• Features an HDMI a/v port not found on the Core or Pro
• Comes with a free controller recharge kit
• Looks... different

Cons:

• Seriously, we're talking pea soup and copper here
• Despite being labeled the "Halo 3 edition" and being plastered in Halo imagery, comes with no actual Halo games.
• Still has the 20gb hard drive
• Space beetles, attracted by it's color and prodigious heat output, may attempt to mate with your system, ruining your Dead Rising save file
• Will cause one to yearn for the simple dignity of previous game-specific special edition consoles, such as the Pokemon Yellow N64.

I... dunno. I mean, I guess if you're a big Halo guy and you don't yet own a 360, this may be tempting, but I can't help but imagine that in addition to Table Tennis, you can actually buy a full-fledged 360 game using the price difference between this and the Pro. Even if this shipped with nothing more than a double disc of the previous Halo games and their respective map packs I could understand the need for this thing to exist, but as it stands it's main advantage over every other non-Core 360 is that it's garish.

Xbox 360 Elite

Price: $449

Pros:

• It's black!
• 120gb hard drive vs the 20 gig drive found in the Pro and Halo 2 units

Cons:

• You're paying four hundred and fifty dollars for a system that you're still expected to buy a separate wireless adapter for
• No free game
• Not even the controller recharge kit found on the Halo 3 system
• Upon learning that you purchased a 360 Elite, an annoyed, sweat-drenched beer truck driver will invade your home, inform you you've lost your right to sell Miller High Life and remove all cheap, flavorless beer from the premises. Ordinarily I'd list this as a "Pro", but the hand trucks will make an utter ruin of your linoleum floor.

Unless you find yourself greatly enamored with the color black and/or find yourself tempted by the thoughts of downloading TV shows off of Live Marketplace and thus need that extra hard drive space, I really can't see much reason to buy the 360 Elite, even with the price drop. Not many 360 games will make use of the extra resolution brought forth by the built-in HDMI port. This thing only ever really existed to take advantage of the three month gap that the market was without a $500 PS3 option, and now that Sony's resumed the $500 SKU, it's hard to find a reason to justify this thing's existence.

Overall, this price juggling is typical Microsoft-- confusing, slightly disappointing, likely ultimately meaningless once all is said and done. If Microsoft was going to keep the Core around, it needed to be dropped to $250 with a memory card-- that could have provided Microsoft with a real weapon against the Wii. The 20gb hdd shouldn't even exist anymore, and the $120gb hdd should take it's place. The Pro sports an incredibly weak pack-in game-- SKUs should at least feature Perfect Dark and/or Kameo at this point-- Or any of the other multitude of Xbox 360 launch titles that have long since served their useful purpose. The "advantages" of the Halo 3 SKU amounts to a fifty dollar sticker set; the Elite should, at the very least, include a bundled HD-DVD drive, and there's no logical reason for all the SKUs not to include wireless controllers and wireless internet adapters.

Of course, any need for any of this juggling exists the moment Microsoft comes to it's senses and simply releases a 360 w/hard drive at $300, with maybe a stripped down, no-frills Core at $200. This is the only way Microsoft will ever start to catch up with sales of even the original Xbox, not to mention the juggernaut that the Wii is starting to become. Microsoft came out of E3 with the best hype and the best games on the market, and could have parlayed this price drop into some actual momentum-- and in typical fashion, they half-assed everything and made the whole affair an even bigger mess.

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Upcoming August 7th

This week gamers saw an enormous setback as Daisenryaku 7 Exceed (and with it it's whomp-ass cover art) had it's release pushed back over a month, presumably to allow Crave Entertainment to explain exactly what it is they're trying to sell to retailers. Until then, gaze upon the wonder that might have been--

They could sell this game for $170 and wrap it in hepatitis-encrusted razor wire, and I'd still buy it. In other news, this week's real, honest-to-god released videogame selection is pretty goddamned horrendous.

Tomb Raider Anniversary (PSP) (80%)

I know what you're worried about, PSP owners. Sure, Anniversary may bring the classic gameplay of the original Tomb Raider to the PSP with prettified graphics and modern game design elements, but what you really want to know is how well Lara's ass has handled the translation to the handheld medium.

And it saddens me to report, not well. Not well at all.

Blurry, grainy, distorted, ill-defined-- This is not an ass worth losing your firmware update for. Yes, yes, the gameplay has largely come across unharmed-- but at what cost?

Boogie (Wii) (N/A)

Remember when EA said it was going to focus on the Wii and more unique, non-franchise titles? And all the Nintendo guys suddenly forgot that EA is condensed, tangible evil and started to chow down on EA's theoretical corporate manhood? Yeah, well--

Admittedly, that comes with a mic (which, according to Game|Life's Chris Kholer, is apparently junk) but you know EA is feeling the water here, seeing exactly how far they can get with the Wii audience. Which will probably be a lot, considering this title pretty much screams HEY, WII PLAY GUYS, BUY ME! At least when Nintendo tries to sell a marginal videogame to the Wii Play set, they do so by bribing them with a free controller.

High School Musical: Making the Cut (DS)

At first I was disappointed to see no reviews of Making the Cut exist, but then I realized there's no real point to reviewing this sort of thing as the target audience isn't really the sort to peruse IGN. Matter of fact, if you're the sort who may be in the market for Making the Cut, or any game produced by Disney and/or Nickelodeon I'd prefer you not read this site either. Seriously. Chris Hansen scares me!

Megaman Starforce Pegasus/Leo/Dragon (DS)

Speaking of games where the target audience shouldn't even be registered for Myspace yet, there is this, a blatant moneygrab for gamers whom don't find playing Pokeman in public quite socially damming enough.

Steve Allison: Warden of a Legacy of Mediocrity

Anyone else remember Midway?

Nice little arcade company, made Joust, Cruis'n USA, SCUD Race, a couple of really awesome retro compilation discs? Yeah, those guys. Midway. Most recently known for giving John Romero a job for a few months until he decided to fuck off and make MMORPGs instead.

Midway has been trying to claw it's way back into the public eye and it's upcoming John Woo Presents:Stranglehold may represent a turning point for the company. After all, it's presented as a "sequel" to Hard Boiled (Thus the "John Woo Presents: of Stranglehold) and movie franchise aside, the game looks genuinely intriguing, what with the team from the well-regarded Psi-Ops behind the project.

Fortunately for gamers already despairing over their abused wallets this upcoming holiday season, any concerns that Midway should somehow screw up and turn JWP:S into a decent game are readily dispelled by Midway's chief marketing officer Steve Allison, who wants to let everyone know that under no circumstance shall he allow gameplay get in the way of his company's commitment to mediocrity.

(From an interview shamelessly stolen from N'gai Croal's blog, Level Up.)

Execution is Only The Third Most Important Factor In A Game's Success. Yes, Third

This doesn't mean that we shouldn't strive to make great games. Nor does it mean that a great concept gives developers the license to make a crappy game. It simply means that execution alone is no guarantee of commercial success. The developers who understand this will thrive in the next generation home console business. The ones who don't will fall victim to the realities of the shifting marketplace.

The average reader of this piece, especially one working in the gaming business will say, "Wait a minute. A great game whose review scores average 90 or higher can ship when it's done and it'll still be a great game." Or they'll say, "Whatever the concept may be, a great title is all about the game mechanics." Unfortunately, this is not true.

A great game is one that is a commercial success. Period.

Well, so much for the preorders.

In a way, he's right. Shareholders don't give a shit about level design, learning curves or anything else representing a quality gaming experience. But as far as gamers are concerned-- especially those of us who would be interested in a videogame sequel to a John Woo movie to begin with-- hearing a marketing guy basically say that Hannah Montana was a "great game" sorta makes us wince and want to curl up in a corner to play Ninja Gaiden until the pain goes away.

(I should take this moment to note that Steve Allison's last gig was as VP of Marketing for Infogrames-- a company that had so throughly trashed it's own reputation among gamers that it decided it'd be better to dredge up the old Atari name instead. Mull on that for a bit.)

Continuing on...

Consumers review games with their wallet, and you don't get to sell them a million units at full price unless a bunch of people love your work--especially at $59 a pop. Sure, your craftsmanship may be amazing. But if your concept is not a powerful and relevant male fantasy, executed in a timely fashion, at a level that delivers on the promise of your core idea, you've probably just delivered the videogame equivalent of an art house film.

An art house game certainly proves that your development team is really talented but it also demonstrates you're really not in tune with the audience. This kind of creativity is only fine as long as your art house game was built on an art house budget. But an art house game made on a blockbuster budget--especially the sums of money required to be competitive on Xbox 360, PS3 and high end PCs--is fiscally irresponsible.

Ignoring the bit where Steve Allison says "art house games" do not fulfill a "powerful and relevant male fantasy", there's a way around the problem of high-concept games not selling at the full $59.99 price point. Stop selling games for sixty dollars, you fucking loons. Katamari Damacy sold well enough to develop into a franchise, and it did so in large part by being sold for $40, an impulse buy for the hardcore and temping enough for adventurous mainstream gamers to take the risk.

The concept of selling hardcore-targeted games at full MSRP is doubly absurd when you consider Midway, EA, Ubisoft the like place most games in settings where it's easy for them to sell in-game advertising, the sort of thing that a person could expect be used to help "art-house games" sell cheaper. Then you have tools such as downloadable content and digital delivery, both of which could readily be used to price "art-house games" competitive instead of the current practice of expecting things like Senko no Ronde to sell at the same price point as NCAA '08.

But hey, Katamari. That shit's for girls.

And the hits keep on coming...

The truth is that there is no correlation between review scores and commercial success. If there were, "great" games Beyond Good & Evil, Ico, Okami, Psychonauts, Shadow of the Colossus, Freedom Fighters, Prey and Midway's own Psi-Ops would all have been multi-million unit sellers. The aforementioned games are all games that average review scores of nearly 90 percent out of 100, some even higher. The reality is none has sold more than 300,000 units at full price in the U.S. and a couple of these less than 250,000 units lifetime even with bargain pricing. In today's home console business, a true next generation game costs between $12 and $25 million dollars to produce, which sets the breakeven point at 1 million units and in some cases even 2 million units, depending on how high the budget has gotten.

The implication is clear- Midway has no intention of creating a great gaming experience. They instead wish to create games that are good enough while while selling to the broadest market possible. Which I suppose is a noble effort on behalf of the shareholders, but one wonders how far Pixar would have made it under the same philosophy. This is the same thinking that gives us tripe like Chicken Little, or reality TV programming, or Midway's latest affront to good gameplay, Hour of Victory.

And while Steve Allison lists some notable commercial failures, he fails to recognize games like God of War, Halo, Gears of War and Twilight Princess, games that are not only grand and epic experiences, but have gameplay to match their lofty aspirations.

Let's be clear: it is not the amount spent on marketing that determines how many units of these games are sold. A game's sales potential is entirely determined by the strength of its overall concept, while the difference between its sales potential and its final tally is determined by its execution. And given the phenomenal execution of Psychonauts, Ico, Psi-Ops and the other art house games listed above, their failure can be ascribed to a misguided concept, poor timing or both.

Beyond the obvious implication that Midway expects JWP:S to sell on the tired old concept of videogames as movies instead of it's merits as, you know-- a good video game--It should be noted of those games listed, two if them, Psychonauts and Ico, were advertised so poorly that it was impossible for the mainstream gamer to know of their existence. I don't know if he was trying to equate either game to a large marketing campaign, but if that campaign was there, apparently all the commercial broadcast time was purchased to air in Bolivia, or Nepal, or perhaps Christmas Island. Aside from the usual gamer magazine marketing blitz (an effort wholly wasted on anyone outside the hardcore community), there simply was no noticeable marketing effort present for either title. Then there's the bit where Psychonauts was a pretty lousy video game, but that's for another post.

To give Steve Allison credit, he is right on one count-- Midway's timing for Psi-Ops was abysmal. Not only was it a new shooter franchise being released amid the likes of Far Cry, Painkiller, Doom 3, Unreal Tournament 2004 and Chronicles of Riddick, it had to do so saddled with the yoke of being published by a company no gamer, hardcore or mainstream, was willing to trust to provide a quality gaming experience.

Thus Stranglehold's greatest obstacle, a hurdle marketing suits like Steve Allison are blind to avoid-- Even if Stranglehold turns out to be a good game, no one trusts the company producing it. Little wonder people are more interested in the free Blu-Ray copy of Hard Boiled than they are anything regarding the gameplay itself.

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